Funny Money Quotes and One Liners You Have to Read

Funny Money Quotes

After writing about the 68 money quotes that changed my life, I thought it would be fun to write a sequel focusing on funny money quotes.

There’s nothing like an inspirational money quote that makes you laugh!

Here’s a collection of 90 of the funniest money quotes I’ve heard broken down by the following categories:

• Saving Money Funny Quotes
• Making Money Funny Quotes
• Funny Money Quotes from Movies
• Greed Funny Money Quotes
• Love, Marriage ,and Sex Funny Money Quotes
• Life and Money Funny Quotes
• Happiness and Money Funny Quotes
• Business, Banking, and Inflation Funny Money Quotes
• Funny Quotes About Borrowing and Lending Money
• Funny Tax Quotes
• Funny Quotes about Money and Financial Literacy
• Funny Money Quotes from Musicians, Actors and Artists
• Funny Money Quotes from Entrepreneurs
• Funny Money Quotes from Athletes

Jump to the most exciting category, or read all of these funny money quotes. I’ve also highlighted the ones I am particularly fond of.

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90 Funny Money Quotes

Funny Money Quotes About Saving Money

1. “I’m stuck between “I need to save money” and “you only live once.” – Anonymous

2. “Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money.” – Anonymous

3. “Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

4. “Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns

5. “Budget – a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.” – A. A. Lattimer, columnist and poet whose poems have appeared on the editorial page of the Wisconsin State Journal

6. “Rich people have small TVs and big libraries, and poor people have small libraries and big TVs.” Zig Ziglar, Author of Goals: How to Get the Most Out of Your Life

Funny Money Quotes about Making Money

7. “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” – Shaquille O’Neal

8. “I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.” – Malcolm Forbes

9. “Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street.” – Jay Leno

10. “I’ve done the calculation, and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.” – Fran Lebowitz

11. “They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” – Joseph Addison

12. “October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.” – Mark Twain, legendary writer and humorist

13. “There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain

Funny Money Quotes from Movies

14. “I love money more than the things it can buy… but what I love more than money is other people’s money.” – Other People’s Money

15. “I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet.” – Sex and the City

16. “It’s like we’re stealing the same money over and over. In fact, it’s not like stealing money at all, it’s like recycling.” – Mad Money

17. “Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t f—ing have any.” – Boiler Room

18. “The problem we’re trying to solve is that there are rich teams, and there are poor teams. Then there’s 50 feet of crap. And then there’s us. It’s an unfair game.” – Moneyball

19. “Number one rule of Wall Street. Nobody, and I don’t care if you’re Warren Buffet or if you’re Jimmy Buffet. Nobody knows if a stock is gonna go up, down, sideways, or in fucking circles. Least of all, stockbrokers, right?” – Wolf of Wall Street

20. “I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor, and no one liked me.” – Trading Places

21. “Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?

Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.

Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?

Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars, I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.

Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.

Lawrence: Well, the kind of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.

Peter Gibbons: Good point.

Lawrence: Well, what about you now? What would you do?

Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?

Lawrence: Well, yeah.

Peter Gibbons: Nothing.

Lawrence: Nothing, huh?

Peter Gibbons: I’d relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.

Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he’s broke, don’t do shit.”

– Office Space

Funny Quotes About Money and Greed

22. “When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.” – P. J. O’Rourke, Author of None of My Business

23. “If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous

24. “The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown

25. “Someday, I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner

26. “I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin, Comedian and Author of Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life

Funny Money Quotes About Love, Marriage, and Sex

27. “It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal, Actor in When Harry Met Sally

28. “They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous

29. “This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.” – Earl Wilson

30. “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West

31. “Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month, others just go over them.” – Sally Poplin

32. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

33. “A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.” – Anonymous

34. “Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem, Journalist and Writer of My Life on the Road

35. “Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex. You thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.” – James Arthur Baldwin

36. “If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.” – Katherine Hepburn

37. “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” – Brendan Behan

Funny Quotes About Money and Life

38. “I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard

39. “Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” – Bill Vaughn

40. “Money is the best deodorant.” – Elizabeth Taylor

41. “Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.” – Will Rogers

42. “I believe in the Golden Rule. The Man with the Gold, Rules.” – Mr. T

43. “If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire

44. “Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” – Groucho Marx

45. “I am having an out-of-money experience.” – Anonymous

If you don’t have time to read the whole article, here’s a video summary:

46. “I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.” – Ron Kittle

47. “When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward

48. “Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin

49. “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.” – George Carlin, Comedian well known for his HBO Special George Carlin: It’s Bad for Ya!

50. “From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker

51. “What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous

52. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin

53. “It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy

54. “Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women … and the other ten percent I wasted.” – Tug McGraw

55. “Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it.” – William Somerset Maugham

56. “Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? No Pockets.” – Jerry Seinfeld

57. “Money doesn’t solve all problems, but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous

58. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.” – Will Rogers

59. “When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.” – Nick Arnette

60. “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” – Jack Yelton

Funny Quotes About Money and Happiness

61. “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.” – David Lee Roth

62. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers

63. “Money won’t make you happy… but everybody wants to find out for themselves.” – Zig Ziglar

64. “Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.” – Helen Gurley Brown

Funny Money Quotes About Business, Banking, and Inflation

65. “They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.” – Rita Rudner

66. “What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?” – Bertolt Brecht

67. “A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.” – Robert Frost

68. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

69. “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” – George Gobel

70. “Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing

71. “If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.” – James Goldsmith, financier, tycoon and politician

72. “I don’t pay good wages because I have a lot of money; I have a lot of money because I pay good wages.” – Robert Bosch, founder of Bosch

73. “It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” – Anonymous

Funny Quotes About Borrowing and Lending Money

74. “I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan

75. “Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” – Ambrose Bierce

76. “People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.” – Doug Larson

77. “You loan your friend money. You see them again; they don’t say nothin’ ’bout the money. ‘Hi, how ya doin’? How’s ya mama doing?’ Man, how’s my money doin’?” – Chris Tucker

78. “If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” – Errol Flynn

79. “Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.” – Josh Billings

80. “Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.” – Herbert Hoover

Funny Tax Quotes

81. “The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason – to pass the tax bill on to you.” – George W. Bush

82. “Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?” – Peg Bracken

83. “What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.” – Mark Twain

84. “I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” – Douglas Adams, Author of The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

85. “The Best Way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

86. “The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor

87. “Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.” – Washington Post Word Contest Entrant

Funny Quotes About Money and Financial Literacy

88. “What’s a soup kitchen?” – Paris Hilton

89. “I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount, and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields

90. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.” -Yogi Berra, Author of the Yogi Book and one of the most quoted Baseball Players of all time

Funny Money Quotes from Musicians, Artists and Actors

91. “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” – Will Smith

92. “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” – The Notorious B.I.G.

93. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need; if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

94. “I’d like to live as a poor man with lots of money.” – Pablo Picasso

95. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason

96. “You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.” – Melanie Clark

Funny Money Quotes from Entrepreneurs

97. “Money is how people with no talent keep score.” – Martha Stewart

98. “I made my billions by making a series of very good decisions. The first was admitting I was terrible at making decisions.” – Richard Branson

99. “I find it ironic that the more money you have, the more free stuff you get. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?” – Elon Musk

100. “The quickest way to become a millionaire is to start as a billionaire and then buy an airline.” – Warren Buffett

101. “If you think I’m rich, you should see my expenses.” – Jeff Bezos

102. “I knew I was a success when I started getting sued. That’s when you know you’ve made it, right?” – Mark Cuban

103. “If you want to know your true net worth, try lending money to your friends and see how much comes back.” – Barbara Corcoran

Funny Money Quotes from Athletes

104. “I don’t like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves.” – Joe Louis

105. “I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.” – George Best

Final Thoughts on Funny Money Quotes

From Jerry Seinfeld’s wit to Elon Musk’s financial flair, these funny one liners and quotes remind us that humor is the wealth that never devalues.

So, here’s to a full wallet and an even fuller sense of humor!

If you’re interested in more personal finance wisdom, here are the:

• Best RATED personal finance books on Amazon
• Best SELLING books in the personal finance budgeting and money management topic on Amazon

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Related Articles with Money Quotes:

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