Funny Money Quotes
After writing about the 68 money quotes that changed my life, I thought it would be fun to write a sequel focusing on funny money quotes.
There’s nothing like an inspirational money quote that makes you laugh!
Here’s a collection of 90 of the funniest money quotes I’ve heard broken down by the following categories:
- Saving Money Funny Quotes
- Making Money Funny Quotes
- Funny Money Quotes from Movies
- Greed Funny Money Quotes
- Love, Marriage and Sex Funny Money Quotes
- Life and Money Funny Quotes
- Happiness and Money Funny Quotes
- Business, Banking and Inflation Funny Money Quotes
- Funny Quotes about Borrowing and Lending Money
- Funny Tax Quotes
- Funny Quotes about Money and Financial Literacy
Jump to the category you’re most interested in or read them all. I’ve also highlighted the ones I am particularly fond of.
90 Funny money quotes
Funny Money Quotes about Saving Money
1. “I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
2. “Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money.” – Anonymous
3. “Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
4. “Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns
5. “Budget – a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions” – A. A. Lattimer, columnist and poet whose poems have appeared on the editorial page of the Wisconsin State Journal
6. “Rich people have small TVs and big libraries, and poor people have small libraries and big TVs.” Zig Ziglar, Author of Goals: How to Get the Most Out of Your Life
Funny Money Quotes about Making Money
7. “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” – Shaquille O’Neal
8. “I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.” – Malcolm Forbes
9. “Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street” – Jay Leno
10. “I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.” – Fran Lebowitz
11. “They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” – Joseph Addison
12. “October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” – Mark Twain, legendary writer and humorist
13. “There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Funny Money Quotes from Movies
14. “I love money more than the things it can buy… but what I love more than money is other people’s money.” – Other People’s Money
15. “I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet.” – Sex and the City
16. “It’s like we’re stealing the same money over and over. In fact it’s not like stealing money at all, it’s like recycling.” – Mad Money
17. “Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t f—ing have any.” – Boiler Room
18. “The problem we’re trying to solve is that there are rich teams, and there are poor teams. Then there’s 50 feet of crap. And then there’s us. It’s an unfair game.” – Moneyball
19. “Number one rule of Wall Street. Nobody… and I don’t care if you’re Warren Buffet or if you’re Jimmy Buffet. Nobody knows if a stock is gonna go up, down, sideways or in fucking circles. Least of all, stockbrokers, right?” – Wolf of Wall Street
20. “I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me.” – Trading Places
21. “Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I’d relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he’s broke, don’t do shit.”
Funny Quotes about Money and Greed
22. “When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.” – P. J. O’Rourke, Author of None of My Business
23. “If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
24. “The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
25. “Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
26. “I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin, Comedian and Author of Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life
Funny Money Quotes about Love, Marriage and Sex
27. “It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal, Actor in When Harry Met Sally
28. “They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
29. “This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
30. “Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
31. “Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month, others just go over them.” – Sally Poplin
32. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
33. “A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.” – Anonymous
34. “Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem, Journalist and Writer of My Life on the Road
35. “Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.” – James Arthur Baldwin
36. “If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.” – Katherine Hepburn
37. “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” – Brendan Behan
Funny Quotes about Money and Life
38. “I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
39. “Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” – Bill Vaughn
40. “Money is the best deodorant.” – Elizabeth Taylor
41. “Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.” – Will Rogers
42. “I believe in the Golden Rule. The Man with the Gold, Rules.” – Mr. T
43. “If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
44. “Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” – Groucho Marx
45. “I am having an out of money experience.” – Anonymous
46. “I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.” – Ron Kittle
47. “When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
48. “Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
49. “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.” – George Carlin, Comedian well known for his HBO Special George Carlin: It’s Bad for Ya!
50. “From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
51. “What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
52. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin
53. “It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
54. “Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women … and the other ten percent I wasted.” – Tug McGraw
55. “Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it.” – William Somerset Maugham
56. “Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.” – Jerry Seinfeld
57. “Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
58. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.” – Will Rogers
59. “When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.” – Nick Arnette
60. “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” – Jack Yelton
Funny Quotes about Money and Happiness
61. “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.” – David Lee Roth
62. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
63. “Money won’t make you happy… but everybody wants to find out for themselves.” – Zig Ziglar
64. “Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.” – Helen Gurley Brown
Funny Money Quotes about Business, Banking and Inflation
65. “They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.” – Rita Rudner
66. “What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?” – Bertolt Brecht
67. “A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.” – Robert Frost
68. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
69. “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” – George Gobel
70. “Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing
71. “If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith, financier, tycoon and politician
72. “I don’t pay good wages because I have a lot of money; I have a lot of money because I pay good wages.” – Robert Bosch, founder of Bosch
73. “It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” – Anonymous
Funny Quotes about Borrowing and Lending Money
74. “I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Ronald Reagan
75. “Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” – Ambrose Bierce
76. “People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.” – Doug Larson
77. “You loan your friend money. You see them again, they don’t say nothin’ ’bout the money. ‘Hi, how ya doin’? How’s ya mama doing?’ Man, how’s my money doin’?” – Chris Tucker
78. “If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” – Errol Flynn
79. “Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.” – Josh Billings
80. “Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.” – Herbert Hoover
Funny Tax Quotes
81. “The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason – to pass the tax bill on to you.” – George W. Bush
82. “Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?” – Peg Bracken
83. “What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.” – Mark Twain
84. “I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” – Douglas Adams, Author of The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
85. “The Best Way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray
86. “The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
87. “Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.” – Washington Post Word Contest Entrant
Funny Quotes about Money and Financial Literacy
88. “What’s a soup kitchen?” – Paris Hilton
89. “I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
90. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.” -Yogi Berra, Author of the Yogi Book and one of the most quoted Baseball Players of all time
Final Thoughts on Funny Money Quotes
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